Saturday, September 05, 2015

Floating in Pain


It was eleven in the evening and I was nowhere close to get a good night sleep. I used to think that I would have this perfect routine for my everyday life—swim coach by day, Dr. Life by night.
            I didn’t take Psychology or anything that would make me professionally fit for the job, but when my friends need me, I just couldn’t leave them without trying to help. I was yawning. My eyelids were starting to droop.
            “What the hell was I thinking? Why did I sleep with my ex? What made me think that he could fix me?” I could hear Mae’s voice shaking, which made me feel a little bit awake. She sounded as sad as she was after James broke up with her. “That was such a stupid move! Why did I think of that? I do not deserve being treated like crap! I can be super stupid, you know that? Like sometimes, I just forget how to think. Damn mind!” It sort of went that way for fifteen minutes more before she said, “Thanks for listening, Aira. I’ll try getting some sleep. Thank God, I got that off of my chest. Love ya, girl!
            I breathed heavily as I answered another call. “Aira! He said BRB then never came back. He could have just said ‘goodbye’ right?” Roxanne grunted.
            “You got too attached to this guy. Try distracting yourself. That actually helps. Let him exert effort. It could also be a test if he’ll initiate the conversation.” I actually felt sad after saying those words. I was in the same situation as Roxanne. The thing was I didn’t take my own advice. I was probably annoying him by all my text messages.
            “You think so? How long?
            “As long as he’s not the one initiating the conversation.”
            I heard Roxanne grunt again but after a while said, “Fine. Thanks. I’ll prepare to go to bed.
            “Okay. Good night, Rox.”
            I thought I would hear another ring but my phone beeped instead. It was a text message from Jhona.
Jhona: What he’s saying isn’t what I want! I don’t need options! I just want him! IS IT THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!
Aira: What happened?
Jhona: I’ll tell you this weekend, when we meet up. UGH! Annoying asshole! That I love.
Aira: Are you sure?
Jhona: Yup. You should sleep. You still have to coach kids tomorrow.
            So I did. It wasn’t easy because their problems were swimming in my mind. All I ever wanted was for my friends to be happy but almost every day, I listened to them talk about nothing but problems.
            The next day, I almost slept my way through coaching. On my way home, my phone beeped three times.
Liam: I’m here at the apartment.
Liam: Can we talk?
Liam: Please.
            For three days, he ignored my text messages. It was frustrating to read our conversation and see, that it was mainly composed of my messages and no replies from him. It looked like a one-sided thing. It seemed completely embarrassing that if my friends were to find out, I knew that they would tell me how I was making a fool out of myself. I wouldn’t even disagree. I was aware but stupid enough to put an end to it.
            The simplicity of our talk was both amazing and annoying. It was like seeing my mortal enemy get a punch in the gut.
            “I’m sorry. I feel bad and guilty.”
            I would be okay with any of the cliché break-up lines. The one he used just made me think he never valued our relationship the way I did. Then again, we usually settle for the love we think we deserve.
            As I lay in bed, the break-up scene was replaying in my mind. Sure, it wasn’t as dramatic as those in the movies. To be honest, I was relieved that we didn’t have a super dramatic full-blown argument about it because I knew I would break.
            At the end of the day, I was left thinking. I keep on saving people. Who will save me? 

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